Papa, Jesus, Sarayu Wind: You Love Me!!!
Papa! Jesus! Sarayu (Wind)!
I just woke up this New Year morning feeling finally free to address You with names that a child uses freely to address her beloved Father; and free to address the One who loves me so much that He has given His very life for me so that He is indeed my elder brother whom I adore with all my heart and whom I long to be with and look up to and emulate – and worship!
….the One whom I love to be with as we walk together through the glorious awe-inspiring garden of His Creation
…the One who picks me up and cradles me in his arms and protects me and soothes my aching and sorrowing being – heart and soul – when I stumble into the briars of life, or even, especially, when I walk through the valley of the shadow
… the One who reaches out with his staff and pulls me lovingly back from the precipice and into the fold, into the rich green grasses of the verdant meadow of His boundless, uncompromising, perfect love, when in my foolishness and willful independent rebellion and sometimes simply in despair, I wander or even run headlong from the great circle of His boundless love — and then He brings me back and loves me unconditionally — because I am already covered, robed, wrapped, washed, in the utter forgiveness and mercy of his life-blood sacrifice, and I am, am, AM His child — no matter what!
And in His love, He wraps me, fills me to overflowing with His Spirit, His breath that flows, eddies, shimmers, twinkles, embraces my heart, my whole life and being, who draws me in so close into the great unending, eternal immensity of the love that is Him — Papa, Jesus, Sarayu — the God who is, the great and only I am who I am, the I will be who I will be, the perfect love that, yes, fills all that exists, all that is created — and yet all that exists is still only a dust mote in Him who IS, the Three who are together the One from whom is all Life, all Love, all Truth, all Wisdom and Knowledge, all!
Oh dear Papa! I was laying there this morning kind of a bit worried because I have been getting to know You the past few years, and even to call You Father — in itself a great healing breakthrough of Your love that in the process has also brought healing and love back between me and my biological daddy — also Your child, whom You loved so much that You gave my mommy Your special love to share with him…
(I used to think it was a funny little story… but when I re-read it a couple days ago, suddenly I saw — You were there in it all — and yes, You are there now with my poor mommy every moment as she sits, lost, in that wheelchair, and it seems to us like she is gone so far from us, and yet You two are walking through the great eternal garden of Your perfect love, together, hand-in-hand, laughing, perhaps more truly face-to-face in some respects than in any of those days when we thought she was so vibrant and real and alive. For now she and You are walking together, hand-in-hand, and she is perhaps once again a helpless little child, and in that helplessness, far more perfectly able to simply rest in You)
(Is that why people in the past have often thought that those whose minds are weak or broken or lost are especially close to You, Great Spirit, walking with You in a close way that those of us blessed with “intellect” seem incapable of, yes, ARE incapable of, but we don’t recognize or want to accept that incapability; we want to “do it” ourselves, in our way, our terms, our strength, while those “others” are in some ways truly blessed for they are the helpless little children who just rest in You because, for them, that is just how it is.)
So, Papa, does that mean I don’t have to feel so sad for my mommy? That I should be rejoicing because she and You are walking this path together wrapped up, laughing with joy, in Your great love? Oh, thank You! Papa! Jesus! dear Holy Spirit!
Now I’m laughing! Here I was, trying to talk to You about my concern, when I woke this morning, about my struggles in relating to “Jesus” (and my thankfulness to You for really becoming a “Papa” to me! — and my gratefulness for You, Sarayu… I like to call You that, because “Holy Spirit” sometimes seems so… well, so “holy!” in a removed-from-reality and too-holy-to-be-worthy-of-approaching kind of way… and to say “THE Holy Spirit” takes away Your person, your reality… makes You, somehow, more of a “force”) (You are so NOT like electricity flowing through power lines from God to us! … though You ARE Power, animate, alive, enlivening everyone, everything You touch. Oh, I do not have words, metaphors, pictures, ideas that even minutely do You justice [any of You! ] but oh my goodness, You ARE!!!!) — anyway, thank You, Sarayu, wind, great storm, gentle breeze, ever flowing, alive, Loving, bringing Your [all Three, One] Life and Love into mine!!
Oh, now I’m really laughing because it took me a whole page to get around to saying “thank You for once again taking me down Your path instead of mine!”
Okay, time to stop rambling! LOL!
Seriously, (so why am I still so happy?!!)… but “seriously” with You is hard to “be serious! stop grinning! settle down!” Seriously with You seems, I’m just realizing (here You go again! dragging me off MY path! Hurrah!), to be always wrapped up in laughter and joy and dancing and lovely scents and babbling brooks and peaceful, safe, secure moments, even in the midst of the most serious and dreaded times, with my head laying against Your chest, Your arms of love wrapped warmly and securely around me, Your Peace wrapping around the storm and the pain like a huge, soft, blanketing Comforter in the middle of my life’s worst nightmares.
No wonder I love so much to crawl into bed at night, snuggle down, nestling my head into my big soft feathery pillow, drawing the nice warm blankets snuggled up tight around me, drawing my legs up and my arms in, like a baby sleeping with peace in its mommy’s womb… because that is a wonderful shadowland of what it is to be wrapped in, carried in, protected in, given Life and Love — in YOU! Wow! Thank You! Amazing! I love You, Lord!
(And yes, “Lord” is also a wonderful, real, true, Living, Loving name for You, because oh! You ARE Lord! And I cannot help but worship You!! My God! My one, My all! My being! Praise You perfect Holy Name! (all of Your names )… May I dance? Dancing and laughter and perfect joy! Oh, Thank You!!! Crazy! I love You! You are awesome!!!
P.S. I just had a flash, a picture of Jesus and me dancing around together in a field, holding hands, whirling and twirling and laughing, and falling down breathless in the grass, and laying there together looking up at the clouds, naming the creatures in the cloud shapes and laughing together. I don’t think I’m going to have trouble any more “relating to” You, my dear sweet wonderful Jesus! Thank You! All of You!! dear God!
And yes, please feel free to BE in all of me. Yes, please unite me into Your perfect circle of love. Thank You for YOUR relationship… and for making a way for me to enter back into it, right where You created me — and all of us — to be, with YOU!!!
Date January 1,2008