Now if ya’ll havin’ trouble readin dis ya’ll mightn’t wanna take a gander at tha HillBilly Terms, HillBilly Medical Glossary, and HillBilly Phrases & Sayings.
Now little Jill Giggles was a sweet little girl who lived in the Hicks Universe, in the country Billy, and the town of Hill. On this planet, folks are shaped like tear drops, though the top point of the tear drop curls in on itself with a single eye on the end. So, as you could very well guess, their depth perception is just ever so slightly off; and has phased out shape edges.
Jill Giggles is a sweet little dew drop with 16 brothers and 8 sisters. Her parents found her one dewy morning in their delicious little garden. She is one of the middle children, between the ones getting just a little more jiggly and the younger firm dew drops. She had a slightly pinker tinge than the rest of her siblings, so the father Dew Drop had a (*)pap smear that very morning. Though, as things were to have it, she was from his particular cloud cluster. Apparently, that extra pinkiness just came from her Grandpa(*)Pelvis. Her parents work at the Sun Dew Boot & Shoe Shop very hard, long days just to keep up with the finances that always seem to be that much out of their hands. We start our wonderful story on the day Jill Giggles gets a letter from the (*)post operative.
“Look, Blip, a letter!” Jill jumped up and down, it wasn’t every day that she received one. “What do you think is in it?” she asked, excitedly tearing it open. But her brother was too busy watching the (*)G.I.Series to bother with his little sister. Little Jill Giggles read the heading; it was from the National Extra Terrestrial Exploration, or NETE. She read as quickly as she could. “OH!” she exclaimed when she finished. “Blip! They confirmed life on another planet! The planet cluster with the red one and the blue one! There, the third planet from the sun! And they even said there’s a place called the (*)D&C! OH! How I would love to work at NETE after I(*)benign and discover more about this.” That’s when Blip turned his eye on his sister and grumbled, “Jilly Dew Drop! How silly! There is no such place. You’re being taken for a dewy brain. Life on other planets is complete rubbish! It’s a whole bunch of (*)fibulas!” Little Jill Giggles was quite taken aback. She almost let a tear come out, but didn’t like losing her body mass, so sucked it back in. Instead, she just stuck out her blue tongue, turned on her heel and stomped out.
She grabbed her green fuzzy coat from her green (*)hangnail. Then, from the corner of her eye, she spotted a small envelope fall to the ground. “Oh, it must’ve been in my coat pocket with the other letter and I didn’t even notice,” she mused. Jill Giggles picked it up. It was from the Homeless Cats House. She opened it, and read that there was a new cat there, and thought she’d better go check him out. Little Jill Giggles had skipped out the door, down the steps and across the yard when her little sister Tullie saw her. “Where you going? Huh?” she asked, rather annoying like little sisters often do. “Oh, to the HCH. A cat just arrived, and I’m doing a (*)catscan.”
Tullie jumped up from her sand box, “Mommy said you already have (*)tumor cats and Blip has a hairy (*)colic, so no more!” Tullis squealed! “Besides! It’s in the (*)Cesarean Section.” That stopped Jill Giggles for a second. That was the old part of town, quite down trodden where all the old cowboy dew drops go when they get too old and squishy for bull riding. “Well, I’ll let you come…as long as it’s a (*)secretion.” Tullie just couldn’t refuse secretions, they were just too exciting. So off they went.
“I can skip (*)fester than you Jill Giggles!” Tullie egged Jill. So they had a skipping contest and were having much fun till all of a sudden they were in front of their parents’ work. And there was their mom outside. “Ah! Darling Dews! What a wondrous surprise. Your father and I are having (*)labour pains, so we’re heading to the Hospital,” she said as their father hobbled out the door with a very fine (*)medical staff. He was wailing and and thrashing his arms about. “I wanted to (*)dilate! Why? WHY? WHY?” Father Dew Drop hurled his free fist into the air, and thrashed it about quite dramatically. “Oh, hush darling! Don’t make such a scene. We’re not going to (*)barium you. Settle. Oh! And nitrates are almost here, good timing!” Mother Dew Drop took his arm and pulled him to the car.
“Where are you lovely dews going, again?” Mother asked as she rolled down the window. “I think I forgot to ask.” Tullie piped up, “We’re going to get a kit…” Jill Giggles quickly cut her off, “… kit for brother Hernie, he got a (*)terminal illness today, been coughing like a bird and spitting like a worm. Uh.” She wasn’t quite sure that worms spit, but it was all she could come up with. “Ok, darling dews, but be quick.” And off they went.
“Phew.” Little Jill Giggles swiped her little hand across her forehead. “That was close.” She looked down at her sister. “That was a fibula!” squealed Tullie. “Well, you don’t want to get in trouble, do you Tullie?” quipped Jill Giggles. “Their views about more pets is just (*)urine,” Jill whispered, quite torn.
So they got to the white line in town that separated the (*)cesarean section. Both were a little timid about crossing it. “You go first dearest Tullie.” “Na-huh. This is your trip.” “But you wanted to come, and I, being the nice, thoughtful person I am, let you. So go ahead, cross it.” Tullie decided she didn’t like this, but what could she do? So, very she slowly got her foot up and started moving it forward, but when she got to the white line, she stopped. “Ah, scaredy cat,” Jill jabbed. So Tullie quickly stepped across.
And soon they were walking down the quiet streets. “It’s getting a bit gloomy out. I think I’ll go home now,” shivered poor Tullie. “Oh no you don’t. You wanted to come and you stay with me!” Jill said, more for her own comfort than anything else. She didn’t want to be walking these streets alone. They passed the (*)Seizure safely enough, and with little ado, made it to Homeless Cats House. They walked through the door, and (*)vericose, saw a HCH worker, so little Jill Giggles cleared her throat quite loudly to get the worker’s attention. “Ah-hem. Miss Lady. Me and my little sister…though not the littlest … have come to see your newest kitty.” The lady eyed them very suspiciously. Than having eyed them over sufficiently, she turned back around and said, “Come with me; I think you’ll adore him. He’s a keeper, we’ve had many people come and eye him up today.”
They followed her into the back where the animals were kept. On the way, a purple tabby (*)cauterize. “OH! MY! What a cute little tabby!
Miss, what about her?” The lady came prancing over, and looked at the cat. She got her out of the cage and put her on a blue (*)tablet. Tullie gave the tablet a weird look. The HCH lady noticed and said rather awkwardly, “Oh, um, well, you see, we don’t make much around here, so we have to make do with dew leftovers.” “Aww,” the girls said in unison.
The girls had played with the tabby for a while when Jill decided she loved the cat and so said, “Miss HCH lady, we’ll take him. How’s 4 dollars!” The lady replied, “Well, Peggy Dew-drop said she’d pay $4.50.” “Oh,” Jill kind of sobbed. “That’s absolutely (*)morbid.” “Yeah, I (*)node,” replied Miss HCH lady. Little sister Tullie started shuffling her feet, then reached into her pretty yellow dress pocket, brought out a dollar and shoved it into her sister’s hand. “HA!” said Jill triumphantly. “5 dollars!” That lady could not turn that down. So off went Jill Giggles, Tullie and their tabby they affectionately named Five.
Their parents were with Blip watching the GI Series when Tullie, Jill and Five arrived home. “Mom! Look! Here’s Five!” squealed the excited girls. “Five what, darling dews? Five starberries, five pocket patches?” asked Mother Dew as she watched the very exciting game that she couldn’t take her pretty purple eye off. “Mine and Tullies new kitty!” Her mother whipped her eye around and looked at the cat. “But little dewlets, we already have (*)tumor cats and (*)colic. Whatever did you get another one for?”
Little Jill Giggles squirmed a little. But he (*)cauterized me, mother dearest; he was just too cute.” Mother Dew Drop couldn’t stay mad at her lovely children, so she thought about it for a while and said, “Well, darling dewlets, I’ll let you keep him, but if he scratches up my most beautiful furniture, you and Tullie must take it to the (*)recovery room! No if, and, or buts about it! And he must eat at the (*)bacteria like all the rest of the pets.” The two girls agreed, so happy that they got to keep the lovely Five.
“He will be the most (*)impotent pet we have!” exclaimed the lovely little dew drops. “Not an (*)enema he will have!” The little dew drops were just so excited. And the sun set on a most marvelous day, though Jill and Tullie did get punished for entering into the (*)cesarian section without their parents’ permission. The little dew drops had to practice (*)comas all day long in their grammar notebooks, a dreaded exercise even for the hardiest of dews. Some have even been (*)outpatients due to (*)comas! But more on that another day!
Date August 17, 2006
*(for definitions of (*) words, see the “Hillbilly Terms” page)